Zach Vineyard

If there was no TV in life I wonder who I would be?

I don’t wonder what I’d be doing with my time, no I ask myself the deeper question of who I would be fundamentally.

For me television is at the root of my identity.

It has shaped and guided my life in so many ways that half of my memories are of reruns and movies. My culture, my education, my perspective on life, all stream from one source. I don’t ask for your pity, but for your absolution of guilt for being in the same boat.

For you see, the catch is… these are not bad memories.

My great-grandfather never would have dreamed of  such racial equality as a black family moving on up to the east side, or could he dare to dream of living aboard a star-ship exploring new civilizations, or leaping into other peoples lives and solving their problems just enough to move on hoping that the next leap would be the leap home.

The best he got was a little house on the prairie marathon, but he is saved in his ignorance.

Some people would try to aggrandize themselves by saying that these aren’t real memories, but if I remember them better than most years, and can look back and feel the same emotions as when Desmond and Penny finally contacted each other after 8years on LOST last Thursday and still feel the goosebumps, then technically I’m pretty sure thats a memory.

Science says that who we are fundamentally is 75 percent who we were in a previous life, 15 percent our childhood, 1 percent genetics and the rest is culture ( please don’t check my facts).

TV was and is my Culturaromotar.

…Who am I kidding I need to get out more.

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I need these, they are not a want, but a need – Homeys 

Have you ever wanted to just have a good talk with someone

A conversation where you tell them every thing about you in hopes that somehow somebody will finally understand you, and I mean everything from: why you no longer eat a certain type of cereal – to where you stand with the infinite philosophically, spiritually and finacially. Only to finally have it off your chest and them still standing there even after all the things you said about blind midgets.

…and then as she slowly embraces you with a full and complete understanding of who you are, do you realize that you can never talk to this person again. That’s when you begin to concieve of ways to destroy her credibility lest anything should get out.

This is the thought that goes through my mind every time women try to get to really know me.

Confession, my life is not that interesting.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing it’s just that I’ve been debating wither or not to publish my post about buying a salad. Sure some people might enjoy my debate over which lettuce is best (iceberg) and the best way to store arugula without it going bad (it’s an epidemic). But, nothing I write seems to have that zing anymore.

I think that has to do with my reasons for writing has changed. I use to write to receive a sense of validation from others, now I don’t feel I really need that anymore. Which is great for me, but bad for my blog.

Also, it’s kinda strange that I would write semi anonymously when the only people that read my blog are people that know me. (love you mom)

Writing takes momentum…and I feel that momentum building back up.

I just don’t eat enough fiber to have an active lifestyle worthy enough to write about.

So, am I writing again?

We’ll see…we’ll see (which is code for Ill probably give in under small amounts of pressure)

So, with the writers strike finally over I think that its safe for me to once again journey into my own delusions of grandeur and resurrect my blogging days… (once again).

(segway)

I was totally fine with being single (once again) on Valentines day up until exactly three seconds ago. Something just clicked when I saw my reflection in the mirror and realized that someone this beautiful shouldn’t be single. It just doesn’t add up, but then again I have always been bad at math.

What I am good at is inventing reasons why this is in no way any fault of my own.

1. Strong Jawline, chicks hate strong jawlines.

2. I already look like I’m married, with the whole hanging by a thread nagged to death look I got going on.

3. I’m being saved for some divine reason. (God has his plans, oh yes, he does)

4. Women don’t understand that when you make me decide between you and my Dr. Pepper…it’s pretty sad but the carbonated beverage will ALWAYS win.

5. I’m not actually single I just play one on TV.

In many ways I do blame TV. I blame it for keeping me so entertained and happy that I never feel the need to interact with another living soul. I blame you and thank you TV. But seriously, the one time the power went out something strange happened. I suddenly felt the need to connect with others. I wasn’t the only one, as I ventured out in the hall others as well sought the safety of the tribe. We gathered in a group and played games and told stories, but once the power came back on we all rushed to catch the last half hour of a rerun that wasn’t that great.

So, as you can see by my argument, it is not that I am lazy and havn’t been on a date in 2 months it is that technology that we invented to make our lives easier will in fact keep us from procreating and thus kill us all in the end.

I wish that all my posts didn’t end with apocalyptic theories but the posts just don’t have the same zing without them.

Its a message in a bottle, a time capsule and initials carved in a tree. My blog is my ever lasting testament to mankind that I exist and more so that I matter…ed?

Nothing I say will change the world, nothing I do for that matter. I’ve begun to think that changing the world is quite overrated. If you can, who is there to say that you should, as most people that do change the world do so to worsening effects. Most of the people that should change the world are the same people that never will. The world is in a vicious cycle of the vocal minority.

And so I blog, so that at the end of my life I can look back with my legacy printed out, just a long list of stories and phrases that will keep some refugee warm as they burn it for warmth and try to forget about the tyratanical world that they now live in made possible by those that went out to change the world.

kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

but who cares..that refugee yearning for freedom is burning my blog…My Blog.

Its the most awkward sense of pride I ever felt.

I bought the essentials at Albertsons today after my trip back from Salt lake, I swiped my credit card and while I waited for it to go through the cashier tried to chat with me, I smiled and nodded, but didn’t say anything. Then it came through…APPROVED…I laughed to myself, and finally spoke to her by saying, “You know, I’m just buying soda and pop rocks, but there is something so nice when it comes back approved. She smiled because I actually talked to her and said, ” I know, its pure validation!”

And thats how I walked out of that store, with my shoulders back, my hair in the wind, and the sweet, sweet taste of Validation….combined with pop rocks.

If anyone else is a fan of Wes Anderson then they should be as thrilled about the advent of his new movie as I am. I know nothing about it, yet just talking about it instantly makes me feel sophisticated for some reason.

It comes out in September…

You tube doesn’t do it justice

To get the full experience go to apple and download the HD versions here

Do I lie to make a story better…never!

If someone asked me to draw a circle around myself and to never move from said circle on solely my honor alone…I…would…never…move! Of course I’d draw the circle incomplete allowing myself to walk from in and out of the circle freely as a bird. Thus nullifying any hindrance to my integrity and enhancing the stupidity of accepting someones challenge to stand in a circle all day for no reason other than to boast of my humbleness.

OK, maybe I stretch the truth, but by my negligence of the truth I am in fact lowering the bar for everyone around me to maintain a perfect diligence in record and fact keeping that we as any other beautiful and handsome person can attest to are far to busy to care for.

Case in point: We were returning from a mountain biking excursion from Sundance and it really was a beautiful day with the ski lift up, and the coasting down the cliff with my brakes fully gripped the entire time, but as we were returning the instructor asked a trivial question of who was playing on the radio and what song, I instantly answered…

Lynard Skynard, Freebird

He asked me how I knew that song, and I said, because its the song I email when I’m breaking up with a girl. They laughed and tried to call my bluff, but all I said with a straight face was…

“…and this bird you cannot change…”

Do you want to hear the most cliche thing?

I’ll tell you anyways…I kinda slipped on a banana peel this afternoon!

I hit the ground hard and the girl walking towards me (that I was waiting to make eye contact with) rushed over and asked, “Did you just slip on a banana peel?”

I nodded in silent compliance as I had no idea that that could actually happen in real life. Now this should have been my key to take it to the next level and get her number, but there was only the slight defect that all the wind in me had been knocked out.

So, me writhing on the ground gasping for air while crying like a little boy who lost his mom in the supermarket is not on the top of my list for first impressions.

Now, (I’m proud of this part) I (without any air) smiled and waved it off like it wasn’t anything until she got up and left. I then scrambled behind a car and began the process of finding my left lung.

I was bent over and tears ( I’ll admit it) were flowing gasping for air when a friend of mine who saw the whole thing came running over and said, “Oh, did you lose your mom?” ——-

I had to write a three page paper on the “Toa Te Ching”, which is a book on an ancient Chinese philosophy that teaches moderation in all things. So, when I got my paper back and I got a “C” on it I couldn’t tell if the teacher was being funny or not.